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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616095">Closure</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream'>MashiarasDream</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Profound Bond Verse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dean and Cas aren’t soulmates instead they chose each other, M/M, POV Alternating, Soulmate AU, Team Free Will, demiromantic!Dean, established relationships - Freeform, grey-ace/demi!Cas, non-traditional soulmate au, profound timestamp</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 18:41:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,029</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22616095</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashiarasDream/pseuds/MashiarasDream</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been a year. A year in which Sam has seen Dean at least a dozen times. From afar at his in-laws. At the other end of a store. On TV. In a blurry photo in a case file. Increasingly, it's locations where it would be highly unlikely that Dean would ever show up even if he was still alive. So, finally, Sam gives up searching. He decides that he has to do what is best for his family and accept that his brother is dead, so that he can concentrate on raising his daughter and loving his wife. </p>
<p>And that's when he meets Cas. On a beach in California of all places.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Profound Bond Verse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1627183</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>138</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I know you all wanted closure as much as Sam does. So here it is. I hope you enjoy!</p>
<p>Thank you to infinitywritten for betaing! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Sam, no. Not again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I tell you, it was him!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam, please. We’ve been through this. About a dozen times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But it’s different this time, Jess! I saw him! It was him, I’m sure!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess closes her eyes, obviously trying to calm herself down, while rocking the sleeping baby in her arms. “Just like it was him in the supermarket. And him on that news report. And back when we visited my parents down in Cali.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, okay, I might have jumped the gun on that one. But this time, it was real, Jess. I swear!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess sighs. “I wish you would just go to that grief group Charlie suggested.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t need it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess levels him with a stare.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s not dead so I don’t need it,” Sam holds his ground. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Jessica’s expression cracks. “Sam, I’m… I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I love you. I do. But we have a daughter. We have a life ahead of us. And I can’t lead it on my own while you chase after ghosts. I just can’t.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She turns on her heel and walks away. The door of the nursery closes with a decisive thump after her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>It takes him two days. Two days to fight with himself. To go over all the little inconsistencies, all the small details that</span> <span>don’t add up. The picture that was missing from Dean’s wallet. His last conversation with Dean. The way Charlie looks commiserating but also guilty. </span></p>
<p>
  <span>Then he makes a decision. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He decides to let it go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess is right. They have built a life together, or they had started to, anyway, before everything had fallen apart. And Sam’s not been here for the last year. Oh, he’s been physically available. He’s changed diapers and wiped up spit. But he looks in the mirror and can see how haggard he is. How haunted his eyes look. He knows he’s been a nightmare to live with. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s go visit your parents.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Jess looks up from where she is nursing the baby. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve asked work and they’re giving me an extended leave.” Because even his work had seen how run down he looks. “Let’s take the baby and go to Cali for a few weeks. Get away from this city and the memories. Leave it all behind. Relax a little. I’m sure your parents won’t mind cooing over Deanna for a while, either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Jess asks, disbelief plain in her voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Sam nods on a sigh. “Yes, I am. I love you and I love Deanna. I want to be there for you. And you’re right, I haven’t been doing a good job of that in the past year. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the first time in a while, Jess looks at him with a hopeful expression and a smile. “I’m glad. If you really mean that, I’m glad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do. I’ll prove it to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So it comes that two weeks later, instead of going on his morning run through the park, Sam has gotten used to morning runs on a beach. He’s figured out where the best sand mixture between wet and dry is to run on. He’s tried out several different access points to the beach, and has progressively found those that have the best running conditions and the least disturbances. He’s petted about a dozen different ocean-wet dogs, and every single one has made him a little happier. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Today, he’s trying out yet another route, but he isn’t sure he’s chosen well, because the wind is brisk, no shelter to be found. He doesn’t mind that the temperatures are still cool in the morning, even though the highs are supposed to be up to the 80s, but the wind is working against him and the resistance makes him think too much about everything else that he’s resisting in life. Like the basic fact that his brother is dead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Be logical about this, Sam. Don’t you think Amara would know if he was still alive? She is - was his soulmate after all. And even she’s been going to the grief counselling group. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Charlie’s voice rings in his ears. And of course it sounds logical. It’s just - Sam wishes he’d seen a body. Not that he’d ever wanted to lay eyes on his brother’s burned shell, but if he had then maybe he’d be able to believe it. Maybe the nagging voice at the back of his mind that tells him to keep looking would shut up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He forcefully stops there. Literally stops right in his tracks to take a deep breath. Because he’s promised Jess. He can’t keep doing this. He has to let go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s when he sees Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He blinks, but the apparition is still there. It’s still got Cas’ height and body shape and tousled hair, windblown now on top of its usual disarray. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas!” he tries, a little insecure. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The figure doesn’t react. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Cas</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” Sam yells louder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This time, the figure has heard him, looking up and immediately looking panicked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam starts running again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looks around, like he’s trying to figure out where to turn to get away, but ultimately, the lack of shelter against the wind is a lack of shelter for Cas now, too. For a moment, he still turns away, like he considers making a run for it, but then he thinks better of it and instead turns to wait for Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas,” Sam finally reaches his brother’s best friend, out of breath and more than a little flabbergasted. He had been fully prepared for the apparition to turn out to be someone random, like the sightings of his brother have always been. And now - this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam,” Cas acknowledges him stiffly. “I did not expect to see you here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And Sam would laugh, or really, he would love to go in for a hug - if nothing else, they share memories of Dean and that’s a bond in itself - but Cas’ shoulders are up over his ears and he does not look happy to see Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we’re visiting with Jess’ parents,” Sam explains, confusion about the cold greeting mixing in with the bewilderment of finding Cas at all.“I didn’t expect to see you, either. You disappeared without a word after -,” he coughs. “Well, after.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I apologize,” Cas says, still stiff and uncomfortable. “I understand that it was rude and that I should have said goodbye. It was just...” He trails off, apparently unsure where he wanted that sentence to go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault what happened, Cas.” Sam goes a cautious step closer after all. Sam knows that and Cas should know it, too. “Dean was always so fond of you, and he told you much more than he told me. About emotional stuff, anyway. I’m glad that he had you in his life right up ‘til the end.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s supposed to be reassuring, to make clear that Sam doesn’t hold the manner of Dean’s death against Cas. Yes, Dean had lived with Cas for those last few weeks, but that doesn’t mean that Cas should have seen it coming, or that he could have changed anything about it. Dean was a stubborn son of a bitch, after all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Cas does not look relieved. In fact, he nervously kneads his hands and if anything, he looks even guiltier than before, not managing to meet Sam’s eyes at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, umm,” Sam starts up again hesitantly. “Do you live around here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I - Sam, I don’t think this is a good idea. It was good meeting you but I really should -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Sam interrupts. “No, Cas, please, no! I understand that this is a lot, but - we can exchange phone numbers? If you’re here for a while, maybe we can meet up? Jess and I are still here for another three weeks or so and it would be - it would be so good to just - talk about Dean for a while? Jess knew him, but she didn’t - really know him, y’know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s mostly rambling but something in Cas’ eyes changes. A softness shows up in them that had been absent before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t even have my phone on me,” Cas apologizes, an embarrassed little smile around the corners of his mouth. “But I think I have a pen and a piece of paper, wait.” He rummages around the pockets of his trench coat - still the same old trench coat, Sam notices with a sentimental pang - until he produces a little notebook and a pen. He leafs through the pages until he finds an empty one. “Here, would you…?” He holds the items out to Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Sam scrambles to grab the things and write down his number. The pages flutter in the wind even though he tries to hold them down. They are densely filled with text. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, these are - these are just my notes.” Cas quickly grabs the book when Sam holds it back out to him. He shuts it firmly. “I - write now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You write?” Sam asks surprised. “You’re not a Guardian anymore?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looks at him with an unamused smile that says that he knows Sam looked him up and found out a long time ago that Cas is not working in his old job anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, I knew that,” Sam backpedals. “But the writing is a surprise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It seems that I have a penchant for it,” Cas shrugs, though his new occupation seems to be good, because a soft smile appears around his eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So are you writing a book?” Sam asks curiously.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My second one, actually,” Cas nods.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh wow! Is the first one published already?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh. Umm. I’m hoping.” The uncomfortable smile from the beginning is back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, let me know when it’s out, I’m definitely gonna read it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m - yes. Yes, sure, Sam. I will.” It sounds very much not like Cas will ever tell him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, well. Okay then. I’ll, uhh, let you take your walk. And I’ll keep running. But I’d be - I’d be really happy if you called. Burgers and beer, maybe? For old times sake?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe,” Cas nods. “It was good meeting you, Sam. I’m glad that you’re doing well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That, at least, does not sound like a lie. And it’s not a lie in substance, either. The last two weeks of extensive dinners with Jess’ parents and mostly enough sleep and exercise to clear his mind have helped. The circles under his eyes have shrunk back to almost normal levels. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, you too,” Sam replies, and then Cas walks away and Sam turns around to run back in the direction he came from. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time he’s back at the house, nothing to show for the random meeting at the beach, the surrealness of it all makes him halfway believe that he’s imagined the whole thing.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean stares at the sheet of paper that’s obviously been ripped out of Cas’ notebook with wide eyes, whole being frozen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “But that’s…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>impossible</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he wants to say. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only there’s the words </span>
  <em>
    <span>Sam Winchester</span>
  </em>
  <span> in big letters and then a number underneath and Dean’s helped Sam with his homework for almost a decade before the kid became too smart for his own good. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>his brother’s handwriting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean.” Cas’ hand comes to lie on top of Dean’s. He blinks, finally looking back up at Cas, whose eyes are wide with worry. “He said they are staying with Jess’ family. I guess they must be living somewhere relatively close.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stares at his brother’s handwriting some more before he manages to rip himself out of it enough to answer. “I’ve never been. To their place, I mean. I don’t know where they live.” It’s the first full sentence he’s managed since Cas came back from the beach and dropped a bomb. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Dean interrupts before Cas can even ask the question. “I have no idea what I want to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This situation wasn’t supposed to come up. Not yet, anyway. And when it happened, Dean was supposed to be the one who makes contact. He was supposed to have time. To think about it. To make a plan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking,” Cas starts carefully. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay?” Dean blinks. The handwriting is still the same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I think the safest thing to do is move.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That makes Dean look up sharply. “Move? What are you talking about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He saw me. He inferred that I’m living here. He might tell others. Word might spread and…” Cas shrugs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But you love this house!” Dean exclaims dumbfounded. “And we’re almost done with the renovations!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiles, a little sadly, but mostly with determined resignation. “We knew this could happen. We knew that it made no sense to get too attached to material things.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or friends? Or publishers?” Dean frowns. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas sighs. “Jimmy Novak can publish his novels from somewhere else if need be. As long as I have an account for them to put in the money, we should get the funds we need.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The comment makes Dean bite his lip and look down at his hands. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes. Because it’s been a year, but Dean’s not found it in himself to get a steady job yet. There are too many cameras at every street corner and in every store. It makes him so fucking anxious. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then, there’s the grief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The deep despair and near debilitating heaviness of his bones, that has no emotional anchor in the person he’d lost, because his visceral hate for Amara has not diminished. Neither has his love for Cas, obviously, but the two things seem as unrelated as they come.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, instead of going out and starting a new life, Dean has stayed in and started a new life. He’s thrown himself into the renovations needed to make their old beach house into the coziest home he could imagine. He’s taught himself how to strip floors, how to redo electronics and even how to build furniture. He has done his utter best to build a nest for Cas and himself to get to know and learn to love each other in an entirely new way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And step by step, it has helped. Step by step, Dean has regained himself. Has started to feel centered and </span>
  <em>
    <span>right </span>
  </em>
  <span>in this new life, even while he’s still grieving for the things he lost. Not so much Amara anymore, not beyond random tendrils of that foreign longing, that crop up usually in the middle of the night, and that feel even less like they belong to him now that the soulmate bond is truly and utterly gone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But with a hole where the bond had been, all his other losses came flooding in. His brother. His Godchild that he’s never going to get to see. Charlie and her video games. Hell, even the burger place around the corner and Gabe’s cafe are losses that he still feels acutely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This grief feels cleaner now, though, less all-encompassing in its physicality, but deeper, more true to his soul. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you kiss me?” he asks Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For comfort?” Cas asks back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Dean nods. “And to remind me of everything that is good in my life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas nods and smiles, leaning in close to cup Dean’s face with his hand and gently kiss him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas kisses differently from anyone else Dean’s known before. His kisses are all warmth and love and connection. There is no lust in them. It felt a little strange in the beginning, like Dean should be doing something more, should be working harder, instead of just existing in the kiss and enjoying it. But now, it’s like a balm to his torn soul. A reminder of how much he’s actually gained. Of how lucky he is that he gets to live with and love his best friend. That he got to make his own choice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he makes a choice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He softly pushes at Cas until there are a few inches between them. Then he says, “You gave up everything for me once already. We’re not doing that again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas searches his eyes before he hesitantly nods, when apparently he finds what he was looking for. “So, what do you propose?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean knows what he needs to say but his stomach still takes a deep dive to land somewhere around the floorboards. “Guess we gotta come clean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas keeps watching him like a hawk. “Are you sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean shakes his head. “No.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But he’s thought about this. Of course he’s thought about this. About his brother not believing their charade. About him searching for them and one day showing up on their doorstep. About Charlie cracking and telling Sam after all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s never let himself entertain the other option. That </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span> would crack before it was time. That he’d look up his brother on the internet and find a picture of his niece or nephew, held by his brother’s strong arms, and wouldn’t be able not to contact him, long before it might be safe to do so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, seems that the universe was faster than either of them, throwing them back together exactly when and where it wanted instead of waiting until they were ready. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not inevitable, Dean.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gives Cas a weak smile. “Kinda was, though, wasn’t it? We just hoped we'd get more say in the timing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll have to say goodbye to him again,” Cas warns. “And the more people know, the…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The higher chances that someone will spill. I know. I know all of that. So we’ll play it safe. You call him from a burner. Say you’ll meet up with him at Benny’s place down by the beach. Benny’s gonna make sure we get some privacy and Sam won’t even know where we live.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny doesn’t know their story. Not per se. But he knows that they wear Deathbands but still hold hands under the table. He knows that if he gives them the table on the terrace that looks out over the beach, but is hidden from three sides by big plants - windbreakers in their original purpose - they’ll sit next to each other instead of 90 degrees and their shoulders will touch. He smiled and nodded the first time he noticed, instead of his nose wrinkling up in disgust like would be expected, and they’ve been coming back ever since. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Benny knows me as Jimmy,” Cas warns.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s true. Dean's taken to avoiding calling Cas by name when they’re outside as much as possible, to minimize any risk of someone overhearing him messing up, but Cas signs the bills with Jimmy’s name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess we gotta tell Sam you’re Jimmy, then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The house is in Jimmy’s name.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah yes. Shit.” Dean hadn’t thought about that. His brother is obnoxiously good at sniffing out leads like this, trained in finding all sorts of documents thanks to his lawyer job. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve always trusted your brother,” Cas points out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean rubs a hand over his face. Every limb feels heavy somehow. “It’s not even that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it then?” Cas nudges him softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean takes a few deep breaths, grounding himself and allowing the urge to get up and run from this conversation to pass. He’s had a lot of chances to exercise his self-soothing techniques in the past year. Not that he has to rely on self-soothing alone. Cas is there for him just like he’s always been there for him. The change in their relationship has not changed that. But Dean doesn’t want to put that on Cas. Cas has had to prop him up enough during the grieving. So Dean permits his fingers to fidget even while the slow breaths stabilize him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know whether - whether I can have him in my life but not have him in my life, y’know? Whether I can show him the house knowing he might never be able to come back again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas thinks about that for a moment before he nods. “I think I understand. All your memories of him are from another life. Having him here, you can’t compartmentalize anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nods. “I miss him. Kinda terribly,” he admits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiles at him, fond. “I know, Dean. You don’t have to talk about it for me to know it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Think he’s even going to forgive me?” Cause Dean is not sure whether he would forgive Sam, were their roles reversed. He’d get it, he thinks. He’d understand why it had to be done. But he’d still be goddamn fucking hurt that his brother didn’t trust him enough to plan with him, instead of cutting him off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t answer that,” Cas shakes his head. “Only Sam can tell you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas opens his arms and Dean leans into Cas' warmth, letting himself be held. They stay like that for a long while, Dean listening to Cas’ regular intakes of breath, Cas leaning his head against Dean’s shoulder. It feels good. It feels safe. It’s the most important thing in Dean’s life and he can’t even remember how he had ever felt differently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then, maybe he had never felt differently. Only done his best to repress the feelings. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gives Cas a small kiss before straightening up again. “Let’s do it anyway. I can do this. With you by my side, I can do anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t come out quite as confident as it’s supposed to sound. But Cas takes him by his word and nods. “I’ll call him in the morning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It makes both of them anxious. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now, Dean is used to himself being all over the place, his emotions still a rollercoaster ride between grief and gratitude for what he has. Cas on the other hand, is usually his rock. Only now, the prospect of Sam rattles Cas much more than he originally wanted to let on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Dean is there, when Cas stammers his way through the phone call with Sam, and he holds him tight when Cas can’t stop shaking after. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, what if…” Cas clings to him tight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can get through it. No matter what. We got here, right? Can't really get much worse than that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But what if… what if you… I know you want him in your life.” There is a hiccup in Cas’ voice. “And I can’t offer you… I don’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>how</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” It sounds desperate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you don’t have to. I know that you can’t. Because no one can. I love you, Cas. I chose you and I'm not going back on that. Not as long as you want me to be with you. We can do this. We’re doing this together. The universe is shitty, but we love each other. Okay?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes a moment before Cas nods, visibly pulling himself together. “I’m just - I guess this is shaking me up more than I thought. I should be there for you, not make this about me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-uh,” Dean shakes his head. “That’s not how it works, Cas. We’re here for </span>
  <em>
    <span>each other</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That’s always been the deal, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas nods again, but he averts his eyes. “It’s only, there’s never been an </span>
  <em>
    <span>us </span>
  </em>
  <span>in the world Sam knows. Not an </span>
  <em>
    <span>us</span>
  </em>
  <span> like we are now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He doesn’t know yet,” Dean realizes with a start. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you,” Cas’ voice breaks and he has to start anew. “Do you even want to tell him? You don’t have to,” he immediately adds. “I mean he’s going to know that I’m still a big part of your life either way, and I know that this is -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas!” Dean stops him with a hand to his shoulder. “I love you. You heard that part, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “I - yes, but…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No but. I love you. I’m not going to hide that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But Sam might not -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. I know that he might not understand. But he was willing to help with Amara, right? He’s not some conversative who says you can only be with your soulmate. And honestly, I think if he can forgive me for the other stuff, this part is going to be the smaller shock.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” Cas asks, still looking torn. “I would never forgive myself if I was the reason why you and your brother…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop! This is my choice, okay? Just like it is my choice to be with you.” That thought gives Dean a warm feeling in his stomach like it always does. It translates into a warm smile, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Which finally seems to get through to Cas, because he answers it with a shy smile of his own. “Okay. Okay. I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I love you.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Friday. Lunch at 1pm. Benny’s Bar &amp; Bistro at the beach,” Sam repeats. “Yes, I can make that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just wait - wait for me outside. There is - there is a beach-side entrance. Wait. There.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sentences are clipped, as if Cas has to force his voice to hold at all and that makes everything come out too aggressive. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll be there,” Sam confirms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Alone.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I can do that, too.” Though the request makes him frown. But he trusts Cas implicitly because that's what Dean did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>See you there.</span>
  </em>
  <span>” The line clicks and Cas is gone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See you,” Sam mutters into the empty air. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So it had not been a hallucination, seeing Cas at the beach. Sam hadn’t even told Jess about it, had not wanted to provoke another '</span>
  <em>
    <span>Sam, not again</span>
  </em>
  <span>.'</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that was Cas on the phone and even though his voice had been shaking badly, Sam’s heard that tone of voice before. Right after Dean died. Sam himself had felt mostly empty back then, his mind playing </span>
  <em>
    <span>it can't be </span>
  </em>
  <span>on a loop. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Cas had been shaking. Both Charlie and Cas' brother Gabriel had been next to him propping him up basically the whole time. He’d looked so spooked, white as a sheet, eyes big as saucers, as if his whole world had been tilted askew and it was impossible to stay upright.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam tries to banish his thoughts right there, because they want to stray to the looks Cas and his companions had shot Amara and he doesn’t want to think of that woman. She had looked almost surprised by her own grief, like she wanted to be angry at Dean and didn’t understand why she was crying instead. Sam had wanted to strangle her every single moment that she was there. Fortunately, she hadn’t even tried to come to the funeral party with them. Otherwise, he’d have guaranteed nothing. Because even if nothing else about what had happened made sense to him, the one thing he was always clear on was that it was all her fault. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now Cas. Stuttering and stumbling and trying to flee at their chance meeting, but still calling him back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If he is honest, Sam hadn't expected him to. Even in the moments when he was pretty sure that he hadn't hallucinated him. It was too clear that he'd upset Cas just by his presence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It makes him grit his teeth. Yeah, they have never been that close, Cas' prerogative always Dean. But they've known each other for a long time. And they've lost the same person. That should be a base and an anchor to support each other, right? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But then of course, the experience with grief that has ingrained itself in Sam is the way their father had handled their mom's death. Nothing after that had compared. Well, apart from Dean’s death and see where that has landed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He runs a hand through his hair. He had never wanted to emulate his father’s response. He’d always known that it was wrong to get so single-minded that you forget everything and everyone else around you, including your own children. And still. If you look closely enough, it isn’t hard to see the parallel between the single-mindedness with which his father had hunted a murderer and Sam's own coping mechanism of unearthing lead after unsuccessful lead to try to find Dean alive and well instead of accepting his passing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thought leaves a sour feeling in his stomach. Of course he's taken steps to stop the obsessive behavior, something his father had never managed. But this, now? Meeting Cas? He has no idea where that falls on the spectrum. Closer to closure than obsession? He hopes so. Because at the very least, Sam wants to make sure that Cas is okay. That he didn’t run to another state because he thinks Sam blames him for Dean’s death. Or because Cas blames himself and can’t live with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honey?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess comes out to the porch to wrap her arms around him from behind. “I saw you talking on the phone. Was it work? Is everything okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It - wasn’t work.” He gulps hard and lays his own hands on top of hers. “It was Cas.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It sounds so simple, saying it, like he’s still saying the name almost every day. But Jess stiffens, all her muscles suddenly coiled. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I know,” Sam hurries to assure. “I’m not going back on my promise not to search for Dean anymore, I swear. It was a chance meeting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess lets go of him. “A chance meeting?” She asks suspiciously. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“At the beach the other day. On my morning run. And before you ask, no, I have no idea what he’s doing here. But I hope to find out Friday at lunch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re going on a boat trip with my parents on Friday,” she reminds him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam looks at her guiltily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess I’m going on a boat trip with my parents,” she sighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. He means it, too. “It’s just -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That you have to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shakes his head. “No. Not anymore. But I want to. He was important to Dean. I want to make sure that he’s okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She shakes her head but she gives him a small smile. “I always thought you were very different. You and Dean. But you know what? I don’t think you actually are. Because if roles were reversed, I think he’d do the same.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam’s answering smile is more of a grimace, the hole that his brother’s absence left in his life still so big that it fills his whole vision whenever he’s not careful. “Yeah. He was obnoxious about it, but he cared. Very much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’s only talked about this with Jess once, because it’s too painful to bring it up. But he has wondered. Whether it was that, that made Dean do it. Whether he killed himself because he wanted to protect them. Because he was afraid that evil bitch of a woman would come after his family if he didn’t go with her. And then chose death above being forced to be with her. Because that would protect the rest of them as well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They had all done their best to tell Dean that that was not what any of them wanted. That they’d all stand by his side. But Dean’s always been too stubborn for his own good. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess’ hand finds his again. “I hope you can lay some of your fears to rest. Or at least find some explanations if peace is out of reach. With this meeting?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nods. “I hope so, too.” Though in truth, finding peace is not a thing Sam hopes for. He isn’t even sure he wants it. It feels like a betrayal to his brother. He’s going to carry Dean with him for the rest of his life. As it should be. The only thing he won’t do, is forget that he also has a life and a family who is living and breathing. “Want to take Deanna for a walk? Get some ice-cream?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jess raises her eyebrows at the abrupt change of topic, but she nods. “A walk might be good. I’ll tell my parents if you’ll get her ready?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a bit of a test, he thinks. But all he says is, “Plan.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He can do this. All of this. He can.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dean wants to pace. Badly. Sitting still and waiting is the worst when his nervous energy is this high. But he’s already sitting at the well-sheltered corner table of Benny’s Bar and Bistro, Cas having gone to welcome his brother. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You good, Chief?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Huh?” Dean almost jumps at Benny’s good-natured voice. “Just,” he makes a vague gesture. “Complicated.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes it is,” Benny nods and accepts that. “Same as usual for you’n’Jimmy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean thinks about it for a moment. Their usual is Benny’s frilly cocktail of the week. But their usual time is dinner and it's only lunch now. And the drinks are a far shot from the beer his brother is used to seeing him drink. But then, new life, new rules. If Benny can mix them, Dean can drink them. “Make that three and make them strong. We’re all going to need them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That bad, huh?” Benny raises an eyebrow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I'd tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you, and neither of us wants that.” Dean attaches an apologetic smile and a shrug to that. Benny’s a good dude. Dean thinks he could become friends with him, were circumstances different.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’d try, Chief, you’d try,” Benny grins back, making sure that Dean knows he didn’t take offense. “I’ll be right back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Benny leaves and Dean’s nerves come back immediately. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A whole year. He’s missed a whole year of his brother's life and after today, if Sam doesn't forgive him, he might also miss the next however many years he gets on this Earth. Dean huffs and shakes his head. It’s such a weird split feeling. On the one hand, he’s the happiest he’s ever been since being with Cas. On the other hand, there’s such a hollow chasm where the rest of his family is supposed to be, that sometimes he thinks it’s going to swallow him whole. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just then, there’s movement. Cas. And behind him - Sam freezes in his tracks, spotting Dean at the same second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looks stooped. Thinner. Not like he's sick but maybe like he hasn’t been sleeping well for a year. Well, he has a new baby, so maybe that’s it. Or maybe he was just dreading today. Still, that ball of guilt doubles in Dean's stomach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looks from Dean to Sam and then back to Dean. Dean gets up and comes a step forward, squeezing Cas’ arm in passing before planting himself in front of his brother. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can kill me later. But right now, we’re both alive.” He throws an arm around his brother’s neck, drawing him down before pulling him into a hug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a moment, Sam reacts. At first, his hands are searching, shy, like he doesn’t quite believe any of what’s happening, but then they cramp into Dean’s jacket, holding him tight. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean holds on tight, too. Sam smells different than he had, that baby smell that clings to all new parents overpowering his fancy hair-products. But he still feels like Dean’s brother. And goddammit, he’s missed him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly, Sam pushes him away until they’re an arm’s length apart. “You jackass.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yeah, Dean deserves that, so he nods. “Yep. Sure am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were alive the whole fucking time?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhh, most of it. There was a little while that was kinda dicey. Pretty sure that it was worse for Cas than for me, though. Especially when it took me a week or so to regain full consciousness.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas nods. “Let’s never do that again, please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t plan on acquiring another soulmate,” Dean answers dryly before asking Sam, “Wanna sit down? Alcohol is on its way. I was gathering you’d appreciate it even with the early hour.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the fuck, Dean?” Sam sounds stunned and spooked and definitely like he needs that drink. But he sits down so that’s a win. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean takes a chair opposite his brother and draws Cas down next to himself before leaning forward into Sam's space so that he can keep his voice down. "So let's get it out of the way. Yes, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> actually die. Only way how to -," he pushes his sleeve back until his wristband is visible. "And yes, it hurts like fuck. Both the dying and what comes after. Cannot recommend. Even when you have a plan."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"A plan," Sam repeats tonelessly, his eyes drawn to where Cas had put a comforting hand on Dean's arm. Cas withdraws. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah. A plan."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That included Cas but not me."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's a statement of fact but Dean can hear the hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No offense, Sammy, but you're a shitty liar. And we needed this to be real."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Also, I would have stopped you!" Sam hisses just when Benny rounds the corner. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Whoa, y'all doing okay over here?" Benny drawls, giving Dean a worried look even as he puts down their drinks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"We're fine, man," Dean reassures him, though he's pretty sure his tone sounds as fake as it feels. "What's this week's poison?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas frowns at him. And okay, probably not the most sensitive word choice under the circumstances. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Red Beach Sunset. There's cranberry in it, so it's probably healthier than you'd like, but I'm guessing your man will appreciate it." Benny nods in Cas' direction. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I will," Cas smiles at him, though his smile is weak. "Thank you."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's Sam's frozen silence after Benny's left that clues Dean in. Ah yes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>'your man'</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Uhhh," Dean says intelligently and takes a swig of the cranberry concoction. It isn’t half bad, though Benny definitely did not make it stronger. It’s probably for the better. Liquid courage makes him sloppy and mess up. Speaking of which, "He's Jimmy here,” Dean says to Sam while nodding in Cas’ direction. “So if you want to call him by name, better use that one."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam crosses his arms over his chest. "So are you still Dean?" he asks and the question is supposed to sound aggressive, but it just sounds hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean decides to answer at face value because he has no idea what else to say. He gets it that his brother is angry. He has no idea how to lessen that anger, either. So for now he holds on to the fact that Sam hasn’t left yet. It’s something. "Yup. Dean and Jimmy, just two widowers who help each other through the grief."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It doesn’t even need Cas’ grimace to notice his mistake. Sloppy, even without the alcohol. Because Dean hasn’t forgotten his promise not to deny them. He has no intention to break the promise, either. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"As far as the world is concerned anyway," he adds, and holds out a hand for Cas to take. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looks at Sam with some apprehension, but then lightly covers Dean's hand with his own. Dean nods at him and gives him a small smile before turning back to Sam. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would have called you, Sammy. Eventually. Not yet, because,” he holds up his hand with the wristband, “my dearest departed is a shithead and I’m not sure she isn’t still monitoring all of your contacts. ‘Specially since Cas disappeared. But I would have called eventually. I swear.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam nods slowly, but Dean isn’t sure it’s because he’s actually taken in anything Dean’s said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you already know? That night when I told you about the baby?” Sam finally asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean grimaces, because the tone Sam’s saying this in is not good at all. But he nods. “Yeah, I knew. Wanted to see you again and say goodbye at least. Couldn’t know that you’d throw me a curveball like that.” He swallows heavily. “Sorry that I didn’t show up to be godfather like I had promised.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shakes his head, disbelief and anger warring in his expression. “Do you know how often I went over that night in my head? Took apart any little detail? Wondered whether I could have picked up on something. Whether I could have saved you by just listening a little closer instead of being so </span>
  <em>
    <span>goddamn </span>
  </em>
  <span>happy about the baby.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>supposed </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be happy about a baby! Hell, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I </span>
  </em>
  <span>was happy hearing about the baby, and I knew that I was going to have to die next,” Dean answers with verve. “And I’d be really fucking happy now, too, if you showed me baby pictures. Cause even if I’m not the godfather, I wanna see the little critter.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It leaves Sam floundering. But he catches himself quickly enough. He crosses his arms over his chest again. "Her name is Deanna and I'm not sure you deserve to see pictures seeing how you abandoned us."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It hurts. It hurts bad enough that no words come out when Dean opens his mouth to answer. Not that he has any idea what to answer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's a beautiful name," Cas says quietly beside him when the silence gets too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, she’s named for our grandmother," Sam growls. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas makes a move, like he wants to reach over the table and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. Wants to comfort him instead of getting into this fight. He aborts the movement, but his gaze is so soft, so understanding that Sam blushes and Dean has to look away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, alright,” Sam grumbles and turns back to Dean. “She's named for you," he admits. "And she always would have been, even if things had turned out different."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You'd have - even if I was alive?" Dean frowns. "Why?" Cause that doesn’t make any sense.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You really don't know, do you? How much you mean to me?" The hurt is back in Sam's voice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, well, I’m your brother and stuff. But I really didn’t always do a good job of that. Like, when we were children and I didn’t even manage to always keep you fed, let alone safe -," Dean starts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Stop," Cas interrupts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean blinks. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"That was unfair to yourself,” Cas shakes his head. “Try again and try to be fair this time." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He squeezes Dean's hand in encouragement, while Dean averts his eyes. He doesn't like it when Cas has to call him out. Likes it even less in company. But they have a deal about this. When he puts himself down or starts apologizing for things that are not his fault, Cas stops him and Dean tries again. Because he’s not an abuse victim anymore. He’s a survivor now. He got a second chance and goddammit, he’s gonna use it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he takes a deep breath and nods at Cas a little abruptly before concentrating back on his brother. "What I wanted to say is: you mean a lot to me, too, Sammy. And I've got a lot of regrets, but raising you isn't one of them. Cause you turned out pretty fucking decent and I'm pretty damn proud of you." He raises his eyebrows at Cas and leaves Sam staring at him with an open mouth. "Better?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Somewhat," Cas allows. "Still not quite taking ownership of all the good things you've done, but I'll let it count."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean rolls his eyes, but he also holds on tighter to Cas' hand. "Gee, thanks, I guess."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas gives him a fond smile in return, not disturbed by Dean's affected grumpiness. He never is. Not these days, anyway, when the words are really just affected. At the height of the grief…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry for what I put you through. In the first few months."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas shakes his head. "I've told you before. I'm a guardian. Or I was. I knew what to expect."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Knowing is a hell of a lot different from having the asshole live at home with you. So let me apologize for this one, goddammit."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas tilts his head in Sam's direction, and yeah okay, his brother looks completely uncomfortable and out of his element now, so maybe Dean should explain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Sorry," Dean apologizes, this time to Sam. "'S not pretty, working through soulmate grief. Kinda wanna say that maybe you got lucky you weren’t here for it. I know for damn sure that I couldn't stand myself. If I could have avoided me, I would have."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But Cas was here for you?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Every single horrible day," Dean nods. "Out of his own free will and without any soulmate compulsion or whatever. You crazy person, you," he tries a grin for Cas, but he's pretty sure that Cas doesn't miss that Dean's eyes drift down to his lips. Because really, Dean would like to give him a chaste little kiss and a long warm hug. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiles amused. "Other people would say they’re thankful, Dean, not call their partner crazy," he reprimands without heat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, where is the fun in that?" Dean retorts with a wink, though they both know full well that Dean is more grateful for the fact that Cas stuck around than he can put in words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So, uh, you two grew even closer."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It's not really a question, but Dean answers anyway. "Cause we said fuck the universe and chose each other. That's why."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Dean." This time there is actual reprimand in Cas' voice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"The universe can live with me saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck the plan</span>
  </em>
  <span> out loud, Cas. Cause face it, that's exactly what we did."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas sighs, but he nods. "Please word it less crudely next time?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean snorts. "Alright. Not sure there will be a next time, but alright."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Because you can't tell anyone. You can't talk to anyone about this." Something seems to click for Sam and he suddenly looks around their little enclosure searchingly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Don’t worry, we know the place. We chose it for this meeting for the exact reason that no one’s going to overhear." Dean deliberates for all of three seconds before he makes another choice. He takes a deep breath. "If you don’t want to have lunch here, we can go home. To our home. Together," he clarifies. "I think I have everything I need to make us a few sandwiches and we can show you the place."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It brings Sam up short again, but after a moment he nods. “If that’s okay with you?” he asks Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s Dean’s decision,” Cas answers. “Both of us get to decide who we trust enough to bring home.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not that you really ever make use of that,” Dean points out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas shrugs. “You know that I don’t make friends easily.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean hums, because he does know that, but, “Just doesn’t make any sense to me. You and I  made friends easily.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are more persistent than most people,” Cas smiles. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pfff. As if you tried to dissuade me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a heartbeat, Cas’ eyes take on the darkness of an old pain, though it should be a memory more than anything now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Dean interrupts it immediately. “Things turned out great. Not dissuading me was a </span>
  <em>
    <span>good </span>
  </em>
  <span>thing. Hell, not being soulmates with me is a good thing, too. We’re perfect the way we are.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas smiles at him, but the old pain lingers in the lines around his eyes. Like a part of him still thinks that he should be pining and not be with Dean. Because he has no soulmate mark and no sexual interest and thinks that there’s someone better out there for Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas couldn’t be any more off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean tries to convey it, too, to put everything he feels into his gaze. But today, all it does is make Cas blush and avert his eyes. Because of their company, Dean assumes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll go pay, I’ll be right back,” Cas excuses himself and gets up to go find Benny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nods and watches him go, before taking another sip of his cocktail. “Pity,” he says. “They’re actually quite good.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam takes another sip of his cocktail, too. “Not as sweet as I expected. And with more of a punch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, just a little heavy for lunch, especially without actual food,” Dean shrugs. “I just thought we might need it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s not like you were completely wrong about that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even though none of them has even drunk half of their drinks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I spent so much time this past year trying to stop myself from hoping.” Sam’s voice is quieter than it had been, the hostility and sarcasm that had been prominent replaced by a far away quality that Dean doesn’t like much, either. “I thought Jess was gonna leave me and move to her parents over it. I kept seeing you everywhere. Just wasn't able to accept your death. And then I - then I came here today and Cas was like a real big lead, much bigger than anything I had before. And the only thing I felt on the way here was dread. ‘Cause I was sure that I was coming here to get my last bit of hope crushed. That today would force me to finally let go. And I told myself it was better that way, but I was so not ready for it. Only now…” He shakes his head and breaks off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For what it’s worth, Sammy, I really am sorry. And it’s not that I didn’t tell you because I didn’t trust you, it’s…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... because you thought I’d convince you not to do it. I know. I would have.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean nods. “Never could say no when you turned on the puppy eyes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That was a really stupid and dangerous thing you did there, Dean. You know that, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. But we weren’t gonna win that lawsuit. And being with - that would have killed me, too.” The truth of it still hurts deep in his stomach. “I mean I would have done it to keep you all safe. But this way - dying while having someone there to make sure the soulmate bond stayed broken after I got revived - seemed like a chance to keep all of you safe </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>stay alive in the end. Even find a little bit of happiness.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With Cas?” Sam asks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“With Cas,” Dean confirms. “It was worth the risk, Sammy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was worth losing me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Have I?” Dean asks back. “Have I lost you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam shakes his head. “I don’t know, Dean. This is pretty big. I haven’t wrapped my head around it yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. Jury’s still out then,” Dean tries to make it sound normal, though of course it hurts. He’d never thought there was anything short of death that could make him lose his brother. But then, he died a year ago, so there's that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can go,” Cas comes back to their table. “Benny says Hi.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They take the back route to their house, walking along the beach instead of using Sam’s car. It’s never quiet at the beach, people milling around, joggers, dog walkers, surfers, groups of youngsters doing whatever. But car license plates are tracked easily by automatic cameras. Walking along the beach, they’ll hopefully only show up as out of focus blobs in the background of family pictures. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, Dean throws on a baseball cap and pushes it deep into his face, while Cas puts on oversized aviator sunglasses that make him seem about 75% cooler and 110% less of a nerd than he really is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam observes it carefully, though he doesn’t comment on it. And really, what is there to say? It’s become second-nature to Dean already, permanently hiding. But then, he and Sam grew up with a drunk and paranoid dad, and Dean’s soulmate loved to stalk him, falling back into a routine of being hyper-aware of his surroundings is not actually anything new for Dean. The only difference now is that he’s intentionally switching up his wardrobe choices and usually combines whatever he’s got on with a cap or a hoodie or sunglasses or whatever else might hide his face that little bit better from the ubiquitous CCTV. Because as close-circuit as it may seem, that information can still be found if you dive deep enough.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not exactly a comfortable silence that they walk in. Dean drifts towards Cas again and again, but tries to keep some distance. They never engage in much PDA out in the open like this, but usually they walk close enough that their shoulders are brushing. It’s not even a conscious choice, it just happens, and they’re content enough to let it happen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now, Dean tries to keep a sort of equi-distance to both his brother and his not-soulmate, because Sam’s already got the feeling that Dean chose Cas over him. And it might be true in a way, but Dean doesn’t want to poke the wound more than necessary. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, Dean doesn’t see how he could have chosen differently. Sam’s lawful good way would not have worked. And really, Sam has his own life to worry about, his soulmate and his daughter. He needs his head in the game for his own life. Worrying about Dean forever is not an option.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though apparently dying had not been enough to convince his brother of that. It’s stuck in Dean’s head now, Sam’s sentence about Jess almost leaving him over Sam being obsessed with Dean not being dead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It must have been pretty fucking bad, if Jess had considered separation. Soulmates as a rule do not separate, after all, distance making the soulmate bond almost unbearable. And well, Jess had only threatened, she hadn’t gone through with it. But she must have been seriously at the end of her rope to even bring up the option. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It makes Dean quiet, unsure what to say when they finally reach the house. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas takes over the basic tour when Dean doesn’t do it, but he keeps sending Dean worried glances. The mood has been off even more than before since Sam and Dean had been alone, short as the time that Cas needed to pay had been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean has sanded down the porch, replaced what planks were loose and repainted the whole thing in this nice creme color. What was it called again, Dean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eggshell,” Dean answers, sure that Cas knows already and is just trying to involve him in the conversation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, right! It was a very bright turquoise before, that I think was popular in the 80s, maybe. Definitely not after that, though it must have been repainted since.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam nods politely and hmms and ohs at the right places, but it’s clear that he’s as pre-occupied as Dean is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So when they’ve reached the kitchen, Dean puts an end to the tour by asking, “Cas, can you give us a moment? We’ll make some food and I’ll let you know when it’s ready. But I think Sam and I have a few things to talk about on our own.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas looks at Dean searchingly, worry not gone. But he nods, trusting Dean to know his limits. “You know how to reach me if you need me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean gives him a half-smile. “I do. Thanks, Cas.” He glances towards his brother, but still adds, “love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It makes Cas smile back. “I love you, too, Dean. Sam,” and with that he disappears into the depths of their house. If Dean had to guess he’s gonna go up to the cozy little window corner on the first floor where Cas likes to read and knit and have some quiet time when he needs it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean turns back to Sam, “You want something to drink?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Water is fine.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Water it is.” Dean fills glasses for both of them and puts them on the counter. “Take a seat if you want. I’m gonna make some food.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He opens the fridge to look for the stuff he needs. Sam watches him silently, not offering to help. And yeah, he knows Dean well enough to know that Dean needs to keep busy when there’s an intense talk ahead. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s gotten better, actually,” Dean starts, apropos of nothing for Sam, but following his own thoughts. “Maybe it’s ‘cause Cas was a guardian or something. Or because soulmate grief is so fucking overwhelming that you really don’t have any access to any of those walls you’ve built. But it’s pretty easy to talk about heavy stuff with Cas. Like, on the couch or outside when we’re sitting in our rockers or,” he swallows, but he continues, “in bed. Like, sometimes I barely need to keep moving at all.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He still fidgets, or rocks in the rocker, small motions that help with the self-soothing. Cas says those are perfectly normal and that everyone does something to self-soothe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam watches him, still staying silent, but eyes thoughtful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that it's a lot. It’s a lot to put on you all at once, and I’ve got no idea how to not make it all at once, because I don’t think there’s a way for us to communicate regularly. I don’t even have a cell phone right now, and you don’t actually know Jimmy Novak.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jimmy Novak?” Sam suddenly frowns. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas?” Dean says. He’d thought they’d covered the Jimmy part already. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas is </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jimmy Novak</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the overnight success crime author?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Okay, there is </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “Since when do you read crime novels?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam huffs, “I don’t need to read crime novels to have heard about </span>
  <em>
    <span>Jimmy Novak</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He’s been in like every major newspaper.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah,” Dean agrees. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> has a cellphone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a dumb thing to say maybe, but it makes Sam laugh, so Dean stands by it. Though it really is a little difficult to have a whole country want interviews with you, while you try to stay anonymous. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, man,” Sam wheezes. “You’re one of a kind, man. I really missed you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both freeze at the statement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Dean finally nods. “I missed you, too.” He rubs a hand over his face, feeling heavy suddenly. “And I’m gonna keep missing you and I’m kinda selfish enough that I don’t want you to completely stop missing me, either. But Sammy, missing me can’t be…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Sam interrupts him and sighs. “I know what you’re going to say. Jess has said it already. More than once.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So it hasn’t made it through is what you’re saying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I-,” but Sam breaks off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You and I did a lot better already. Before that whole Amara thing happened. We had mostly figured it out. How to live our own lives.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and then the whole Amara thing happened and I saw you falling right back into…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.” This time it’s Dean who interrupts. He doesn’t need to be reminded. “But that’s what I’m telling you. I’m safe here. I’m safe with Cas. None of that bullshit is going to happen again. You can go back to your family and stop worrying. Cause I’m good, Sammy. I’m really, really good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you and Cas...?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Best thing that’s ever happened to me. No,” Dean corrects himself, “best </span>
  <em>
    <span>decision </span>
  </em>
  <span>I’ve ever made.” Because nothing about this had been some random bullshit that’s just happened to him. They have chosen it. And Dean’s not always been known to make the best choices, but this one, he can stand by with his whole heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’re not scared that…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That what, Sammy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, that his soulmate will show up?” Sam asks hesitantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Dean shakes his head. “No, I’m not. Nothing like that will happen. But that part is not my story to tell. You gotta ask him about it if you want to know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam accepts that with a nod while Dean slices some tomatoes for their sandwiches. Sam looks like he’s processing, so Dean’s gonna let him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a while, Sam nods again, decisively this time. “All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I wish you would have found a way that includes me, but it is, as it is. So, I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you’re alive and that you’re doing well and that you and Cas are - a thing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not quite a </span>
  <em>
    <span>I forgive you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But Dean guesses it’s as close as he’s gonna get. He’s thankful for it, too. “So does that mean you’re gonna show me those baby pictures after all? Cause I still wanna see the mini-you that’s walking around this planet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam huffs. “She’s a baby. She’s not walking around anything yet.” But he also pulls his phone out of his pocket. He doesn’t have to search for pictures, he just slides his phone over to Dean once it’s unlocked. His background shows a tooth- and hairless little monster with dimples and a smile that spans her whole face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She ain’t got your hair, you sure she’s yours?” Dean grins. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam groans at the bad joke. “Yes, Dean, I’m sure. And she’s got my eyes and Jess’ nose. See?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean doesn’t see. Sam’s eyes change color according to the reflecting colors around them, so it’s hard to tell whether Deanna’s are the same from a photo, and overall, the baby mostly looks like a baby to Dean. A happy and healthy baby, though, and that what’s important anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll take your word for it,” he says, and smiles down at the photo. “I hope I get to meet her someday.” He pushes the phone back to Sam. “Not yet. If that’s okay for you. I don’t wanna take any risks. Least of all with her.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam sighs, but he nods. “Can I tell Jess?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not gonna make you lie to your soulmate. But you think she’s even gonna believe you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uhh. I hadn’t thought about that. I think she believed me about Cas?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, if it’s easier, just let it be. Tell her you got the closure you needed or something. And in a year or two, when you’re visiting her parents again, we’ll see.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam thinks about that for a moment, before he cautiously says, “You know that my law firm has a branch in California, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam, I don’t think…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Sam holds his hand up to stop him. “It’s quite a bit South of here. Not too close. But obviously much closer to Jess’ parents than where we live now. And they’re specialized in contract law.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s obviously supposed to mean something to Dean, the way Sam emphasizes it. But he shakes his head, he doesn’t get it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jimmy Novak is a pretty big name right now. He’s gonna need a lawyer to help get the best deals for his books. Especially if he wants to stay out of sight. If I could sign him, my transfer would definitely be approved.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’d have a legitimate reason to know Cas.” Dean’s mouth hangs open as his brain finally catches up. “And if you have a legitimate reason to visit Cas, ‘cause he’s your client…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... I’d have a legitimate reason to come visit! Yes!” Sam exclaims excitedly. “Dean, I think - I think this could work!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’d - do that? For us? For me? It would mean uprooting your whole life.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Dean, I don’t give a fuck about the city we’re living in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>You </span>
  </em>
  <span>were my family there. That’s it. And I’m sure Jess will jump at the opportunity to be closer to her parents. She’s wanted to be closer to them for a while now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam is so excited that he’s basically jumping up and down on the spot, and Dean has a hard time not getting infected by it. It bubbles in his chest, like champagne and joy, even though he tries to dampen it down. He was so fucking scared in the morning, thinking his brother would get up and leave on the spot, because what Dean did to him was unforgiveable. But even if he didn’t, it was always certain that Dean was gonna lose his brother again after today. That he’d have to let him go to keep all of them safe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only now it looks like maybe - and that’s when big arms encircle him, Sam hugging him close, and that’s when Dean notices that the champagne has bubbled over, coming out as tears and that Sam’s crying into his shoulder as well. He holds his brother tight then, maybe tighter than he ever has, because he never wanted to lose him in the first place, and now, maybe he never has to again. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Most of their tears have dried by the time Cas comes to check in on them. And yeah, they took a little longer than it usually takes to make a few measly sandwiches. In fact, the sandwiches are still only three-quarters assembled, because Dean and Sam are hunched over Sam’s phone, Sam telling Dean every story to every photo that he’s taken in the past year. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas raises an eyebrow at them and all Dean can answer is, “We’re good, Cas. We’re really good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice holds all the wonder that he feels, and Cas’ eyes turn soft. “I’m glad,” is all he says, before he goes over to the counter to finish their sandwiches, a smile on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam keeps smiling, too, and now that the tension with Dean is gone, his easy rapport with Cas starts coming back, too. It’s like stretching muscles that haven’t been used in a while. The stiffness dissipates and after a while, they’re as good as new. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Only, this here? This is better than it’s ever been. Because they’ve never been </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean can weave his fingers through Cas’ at any time he likes. He doesn’t have to worry about overstepping. About regretting what he’s done the next day. For that matter, he doesn’t have to worry about tomorrow all that much at all. Yeah, they have to be careful. Yeah, they’re not completely free to do whatever they want. But in all likelihood, tomorrow Cas is going to write some on his new novel, and Dean’s gonna make lunch from their fully stocked fridge and then he is gonna work on that chair he’s refurbishing some more, and Sam’s going home to his family, who are happy and healthy, and absolutely no one’s going hungry or being hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Because the love that they’ve found? The love that they’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>chosen</span>
  </em>
  <span>? It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t tear down. Like Dean does with their home, their love only builds up. And together, they’re working on building a future that contains all of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And that, Dean decides, makes their love and their lives the best choice of all. </span>
</p>
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